I haven't had an MRI in about three years. Due to lack of insurance because of my divorce, I couldn't get one. I have known for a while that I really needed one, especially because I have been experiencing some strange symptoms over the past couple of years, and I finally just got one - just over a week ago. Oh boy! It was bitter-sweet. I was glad to finally be able to have the screening I knew I needed. It's the one test that tells my doctor what is going on in my head. On the other hand, I was nervous, because I have been having and living with some strange symptoms over the past about 2 years and I was afraid to have the MRI - fearing it would reveal something tragic. Well, I just found out that it did reveal something, but what it means....I don't know yet. I have to have another (partial) MRI next week.
What I have been living with the past couple of years is a lot of dizziness - more dizziness than I have ever lived with since my problems with my cyst started. I have also been unable to sleep on my left side or back, because something strange happens when I do. I wake-up to a strange feeling - like a pair of cymbals crashing together in my head when I sleep on either of those sides. Then there is a sudden burst of, spinning dizziness. I also get extremely weak and have zero balance - unable to walk at all. I have to sit there or lay there unil it passes, before attempting to walk.
My balance has grown extremely uncoordinated over the past couple of years. Going up and down stairs is like walking the tight rope for me. I cling to the handrail for dear life. Another thing I've been living with is that I feel totally disconnected with the world. I don't feel like I am in the moment. I feel disoriented. I feel disconnected and out of the loop. For instance, driving around the town I've lived in for the past five years will look totally foreign to me. I have to use my GPS everywhere I go....even areas where I go all the time. I haven't been able to exercise in the past couple years....and I have always been into exercise and keeping fit. Now, I cannot muster up the drive or energy, or the balance to even do a light walk on the treadmill. It physically bothers me to exercise, as well as it seems too much like such a chore - I have zero desire to exercise at all. Very unlike me.
Something else that started when all these other symptoms started is that when I eat, I will suddenly feel extremely tired. I cannot keep my eyes open. It reminds me of when I was in the first trimester of my pregnancies, where I would get so tired out of the blue that I would have no choice but to close my eyes. Now, same thing except for it's right after I eat. I have to take a nap at least once a day, and sometimes twice - but especially after I eat.
It has been unnerving and frightening. Many times I chalked all of this up to being under a great deal of stress due to my separation and divorce. I tried to blow it off and tell myself that I am just under duress. I've also had to move three times in two years due to my divorce, so just a lot going on in my life. Well, turns out, that it could be that it isn't all due to the stress of the divorce. There could be something else going on, just don't know exactly just "what" yet.
So, my MRI I had last week revealed something - a new development. The problem is....I don't know "what" it all means yet. I was called by the nurse the other day and she explained that the doctor - my neurosurgeon, has spotted something. She says my MRI showed that my trigeminal nerves are inflamed. But "why," is the question. I have a repeat of part of my MRI next week so he can get a better view, and I am very nervous. I go Thursday the 23rd to get it repeated and to see what is going on.
Boy! When it rains it pours. I really thought I was past all of this.....having things happen with my brain, new developments, and issues. I thought after my last surgery and a few strange things happening a few years back, that I was home-free. Apparently not. I guess I was wrong and too quick to assume.
I am trying to remain optomistic and tell myself that whatever it is, it can be treated, taken care of, and resolved. I know God is on my side. I know that He knows that I want to keep working doing my writing and marketing my book. I want to make a difference for others. Especially because I do not feel even close to having my work here - done. There is so much more I want to do.
Prayers are needed and positive thoughts are welcomed. I don't always get nervous about things because I do trust in God. But after all I've been through over the past few years, now, I am a bit tired from all of this. I'm getting physically and emotionally worn out. But....I am not ready to give up yet. My boys need me, and I know there are countless others who need me. They need my story and my support to get through what they are going through. I am hopeful that this is just a small blip in the big picture of what is still yet to come for me.
I will update again, next week, once I get some cold, hard facts on what this is my doctor is seeing. Once I hear what it is that is clogging up my brain and my life - again. I am hoping it is an easy issue to resolve.
This brings it all home to me - again, how fragile life is. One day you are living life, and the next, you can be fighting for it. So take care, all of you who read and follow my story. Don't let a day go by that you don't give thanks for your life.