There are days when I can't find a hint of my old self in me. I will look in the mirror, and even there, the picture I see is of someone new; someone different than the girl I grew up with. I hardly recognize myself at all.
There are days that not only do I not feel like I "look" like my old self, but do not feel like my old self either. I used to be so vibrant, care free and full of energy. I also had "feelings;" normal feelings that normal people felt. At appropriate times I would feel happy, sad, excited, depressed, and everything in between. I would consider my feelings to be very normal and appropriate. Now, today, my emotions are hardly what I would consider normal at all. I have found that over the past few years, the cyst has robbed me of my emotions. Slowly but surely I have felt my affect change from what I would consider normal reactions, to abnormal.
What I mean is that something that may have happened in my life years ago; pre-cyst days, would have made me laugh or smile....or feel elated. Today, something fantastic can happen and I will have virtually no reaction at all. It's as if my brain is void of all emotion. The joy I should be feeling, the joy I "know" I should be feeling, is anything but there. I will have to force myself to put on a smile, or laugh or be cheerful; whether it is for my kids or other people. It doesn't feel like a natural reaction to me anymore. And I will always.....always catch it, and it will always baffle me or make me think....."why did that not make me genuinely happy? Or why did I not laugh at that? The old me would have found that hilarious and I would have laughed so hard at that."
It is a strange sensation. I don't feel like there is anyone inside at times. Like I am just a body taking up space and consuming air. But my personality is nothing close to what it was pre-cyst days. It's as if, when I had my brain surgery years ago, that part of my brain was nicked, or removed altogether. I am not sure either, if it is truly physical or if it is more emotional than anything. I am going to do some research into it.....speak to my doctor about it and get his opinion and I will let you know. I have tried not to worry over the past couple of years as I've felt this emotional side of me slip further and further away, but it has actually gotten continually worse over the past, two years, to the point where I feel like I may wind up just a shell of who I was years ago and I can't do that to my boys. I want my boys to get the "real" me. I want to continue to be the mom I was years ago, that they were too small to really know. I want to laugh and have fun with them....enjoy life, and now, I find virtually no enjoyment in anything anymore.
I will post my findings, if there are any. I am hoping it is all just emotional....possibly stress after going through a very tough year with my health and divorce. I am hopeful that it isn't anything physical; such as the cyst putting pressure on an area of the brain that controls emotions. I just couldn't even begin to guess. And I hope my doctor doesn't have to guess either.
I have had to lose a lot of things in life due to this cyst, but the one thing I am not prepared for, is to "lose me!"